So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
you had me at cake vodka
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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