next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
