I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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