Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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