They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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