you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
