This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
