If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
