Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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