i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
