Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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