Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
My dad is sitting where you rode me
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
