Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Randomize
