u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I wish there were birth control emojis
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
