wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
