I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
