Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
