foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
