I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
