Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
