I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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