so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
