We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Randomize
