hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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