Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
