meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
