apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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