Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
