Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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