but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Is Oprah even human
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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