Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
