glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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