remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
