used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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