i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
