He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
