How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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