Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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