we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Randomize
