i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
