please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
