I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
