Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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