she kept yelling 'call me bella'
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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