Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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