Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
