Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
thus making me awesome and them whores
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
