If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
