I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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