New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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