I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
