dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
