This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
