I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
